Wednesday Wisdom: Relationships: bring out the best and avoid the trap of negativity

Stop Bringing Out the Worst In Each Other!

By Amanda Pasciucco, Marriage and Family Therapist

It seems like I see happy pictures of couples everywhere I turn - on billboards, television, and magazines. Where are these people in real life? The friends that I have who have coupled always seem to do regrettable things in their "coupledom." Normally individuals turn to pettiness, manipulation, and jealousy. In no other relationships other than romantic ones do people act in the ways that they act with a romantic partner. They begin to let behaviors such as arguing and jealousy come out because they perceive these traits as "doing it for the good of the relationship" instead of realizing how self-serving that can be. 

Relationships can bring out the worst in people. You can be out with two friends who are amazing individuals when apart, but somehow when they get together, the pettiness and argumentative characteristics all begin to come to the forefront of their interpersonal dynamic. I'm not sure if I notice it more than most people; however, there seems to be a vast amount of this occurring lately.

Not being authentic to begin with. It pains me to see people who go to extreme lengths to find their mates or who put on a front to attract a person that they believe would otherwise not be attracted to them. They begin acting as if they are someone that they are not and sometimes it even works to attract perspective partners. The downside to this is that after some time together, this person will no longer be able to keep up that front. Their partners may feel betrayed or confused when they realize that their significant other is not who they once presented themselves as.

Jealousy. What's the point of doing regrettable things because you feel insecure in your relationship? Insecurity within a relationship manifests in a variety of ways. You see that partners can be overly controlling and wanting to be with their significant others all the time for fear of what they would do in their free time. Being overly jealous is not showing each other love, it is just showing that you have insecurity or a lack of trust with your current partner. These traits rarely manifest themselves at other times, but jealousy and being overly controlling are at the forefront of inappropriate couple behavior.

It shouldn't be this way. Relationships should be about complimenting the best aspects of one another and helping each other to grow in positive ways. In between the arguments, it would be beneficial to assess the healthy parts of your relationship and do more of that! It's easy to get stuck in the negative cycles, but think of how much happier you would be if you built up the strengths of your relationship!