There is no one way to grieve. It is an eclectic process that could follow any one of several venues and/or all of them. There is no right or wrong way, only the way that works in a positive move forward for you. In this article, we will try to apply the issue of bereavement and grief to Parental Alienation and the loss of once healthy relationships for everyone involved. This is part one of a two part series on the Stages and Concepts for Grief.
One of the many theories about the grieving process is based upon the Kübler-Ross Model. This models uses 5 stages or phases that a person might go through when experiencing a loss or tragic event. The Kübler-Ross model or the Five Stages, is often referred to as DABDA, which stands for Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Though this model was originally designed for explaining the grieving process involved in death, as victims of Parental Alienation we actually experience a living death of our children. They are physically and emotionally dead to us, but yet still living in this world. For the targeted parent and even the child, we are stuck grieving a loss that is only partial. This same model can be applied to the alienators, who are stuck in the grieving process over the loss of their marriage and relationship.
Below are the stages of the Kübler-Ross model based on someone with terminal cancer. Where the word death is, try substituting the word divorce in and see if it feels and sounds like what you, your ex and children are going through. Try to figure out what stage of this model you fit into, as well as your children and ex. Also, be aware that the order of these stages is NOT definitive and can happen in almost any sequence.
Kübler-Ross Model
1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me." Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death (divorce, loss of my children/other parent).
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?" Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Or in divorce the rage, hatred and anger over loosing control of the relationship.
3. Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..." The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death (divorce, loss of my children/other parent). Usually, the negotiation for an extended life (relationship) is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die (be divorced, may loose my relationship with my kids/other parent), but if I could just do something to buy more time..."
4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die (be divorced, loose my relationship with my children/other parent)... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" During the fourth stage, the dying (aggrieved) person begins to understand the certainty of death (divorce/loss). Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying (divorced/targeted parent/targeted child) person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
Kübler-Ross, E. (2005) On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, Simon & Schuster Ltd, ISBN 0743263448
After this version about grief was published by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, George Bonanno did further research that did NOT agree with Kübler-Ross. Bonanno, a bereavement and trauma expert, believes in patterns of grief. One of those patterns is persistent resilience. Or much what I talk about when I say moving forward in a positive way. He also expressed a strong faith that laughter was more important to healing than crying. We can all agree that when we are laughing, we are letting go and feel good. So again, in my eclectic approach to grief, I think that laughter could very well be incorporated in the healing process.
Though most of Bonanno's experience shows people grieving using resilience, he also saw two other patterns of importance. One he termed "prolonged grief" and was based on the inability by people to move forward. He says people who experience prolonged grief, "struggle for years, yearning and pining for the lost loved one. They never seem to get any better. For them, grief is one long horrible experience and it only seems to get worse over time." Without a doubt, we can see how this is true with most, if not all alienators.
The other pattern he recognized, he named "recovery" pattern. These individuals grieved for much shorter times but at most only a year. Then they would start to restore themselves to their original personas, and from all outward appearances seemed to be back on track. But underneath, they still felt pain and tremendous loss and thus never completely get to the resilience level of the bereavement process.
(Bonanno, George. 2009, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thriving-in-the-face-trauma/200910/grief-does-not-come-in-stages-and-its-not-the-same-everyone )
Part two of this two-part series will be published tomorrow, Sunday October 13th at 1 PM.
Editor's note - Joan T. Kloth-Zanard is a Certified GAL, RSS and ABI and is the Executive Director, Founder and Board Chair of PAS Intervention: A Tax-exempt charitable organization approved under sec. 501(c )(3) of the IRS and the Author of "Where Did I Go Wrong? How Did I Miss the Signs? Dealing with Hostile Parenting and Parental Alienation" . Parental Alienation Support & Interventions (PASI) is located at 320 North George's Hill Road Southbury, CT 06488, 203-770-0318 www.PAS-Intervention.com .