Stages and Concepts for grief; there is no one way to grieve. An eclectic view comes the finding of the Grief Recovery Institute started by James W. James after the death of his own 3-year old son. James, in coordination with Russell P. Friedman, grew the Grief Recovery Institute into a huge non-profit with over 2500 centers. He felt the terminology and concepts of Kubler-Ross were not accurate and thus reinterpreted the 5 stages as the following: This is part two of a two-part series.
1. Denial
a. Disbelief, Shock, Numbness was a more appropriate feeling than denial.
2. Anger
a. He felt this was not a universal feeling as not all deaths are the same, such as someone finally dying after suffering from a long disease or someone who was killed by a drunk driver. Yes, there is anger at the disease or the drunk driver but he did not believe this was a stage.
3. Bargaining
a. Yearning for their loved one instead.
4. Depression
a. He believed that though the following list were symptoms of grievers as well as symptoms for clinical depression and that this did not mean a person was depressed.
i. Inability to concentrate
ii. Disturbance of sleeping patterns
iii. Upheaval of eating patterns
iv. Roller coaster of emotions
v. Lack of energy
5. Acceptance
a. Was relative to the person and event and required someone to admit that it was over and the person gone.
Friedman, Russell and James, John. The Myth Of the Stages of Dying, Death and Grief, http://www.grief-recovery.com/Articles/Myth%20of%20Stages.pdf , Grief Recovery Institute
We can all see how these ideas above can work both ways for all of us. And it seems that there is no one right or wrong answer about how one handles it. It is more about what we go through and if that process is a positive one for us or a negative one that needs to be attended to.
When it came to the children's grief, VNA or Visiting Nurses Association wanted to focus on how educators could assist children with their grief. They based their finding on age appropriateness of responses. The Grief Institute compiled this information and came up with a booklet on the subject of grief related to death and the affects on children. Again, change the words death to Divorce and I think we can see how this applies in our children's cases.
Child Development and Possible Reactions to Death (Divorce)
Age Range (3-5 years old)
Concepts of Death(Divorce)
· It is temporary and reversible
· Death/divorce is mixed up with sleep and trips
· May wonder what the deceased/missing are doing
· They will never die
· Sees death(divorce) as special, but not why
· Death (Divorce) occurs when something bad is done
Feelings
· Cranky (feelings are acted out in play)
· Confused about changes
· Angry and scared
· Withdrawn
Actions
· May be interested in dead (divorced) things
· Cry
· Fight
· Act as if death (divorce) never occurred
Age Range (6-9 years old)
Concepts of Death (Divorce)
· Views death (divorce) as real, though real is distant
· Begins to understand that death (divorce) is irreversible
· Realizes everyone, including self, will die (Divorce/have family problems) someday
· A spirit gets you when you die (divorce) because you are too slow to get away
· Who will care for them if a parent dies (divorces)?
· Asks questions about the biological processes of death (divorce)
· Magical thinking can still overcome death (divorce)
Feelings
· Anxiety
· Sad
· Confused about changes
· Withdrawn
· Angry
· Scared
· Moody
Actions
· Able to articulate their feelings and thoughts more clearly
· Older children may revert to younger behaviors
· May seek honest, simple answers about situation
· Act as if nothing happened
· Behave aggressively
· Become withdrawn
· Experience nightmares
· Lack concentration
· Decline in grades
· Try to control body as they cannot control external environment (may make self vomit to get the "bad" out of belly)
Age Range (9-12 years old)
Concepts of death (divorce)
· Their words or actions caused death (divorce)
· Who will take care of him/her if parents die (divorce).
· Sees death (divorce) as irreversible
· Can tell difference between living and non-living , ((divorce and married)
· More adult in thoughts, but still has child-like beliefs
Feelings
· May internalize anger or sadness
· Depression
· May have preoccupation with the deceased (divorced)
· Guilty
· Scared
· Confused
· Vulnerable
Actions
· May revert to younger aged behaviors •
· Become protective of remaining parent
· Interest in rituals at death (divorce) (funerals, wakes, etc...) •
· May play act these rituals
· Act as if it never happened
· Behave aggressively
· Lack concentration
· Decline in grades
Age Range (13 years and Older)
Concepts
· Can joke about death (divorce)
· Their actions and words caused death (divorce)
· Weakness if they show their feelings
· More typical of adult conception of death (divorce)
· Able to look toward the future without parent
· Able to comprehend permanence of death (divorce)
· Guilt in their own growth and development when faced
Feelings
· Adolescent vulnerability is magnified
· Isolated
· Worried
· Abandoned
· Scared
· Anxious
· Lonely
· Confusion around need for growth vs. regression
Actions
· Delay grief until they feel it is a safe time
· Desire to participate in rituals
· Engage in risk taking behaviors
· Display dramatic emotional responses
· Expresses grief more with peers than adults
· Has common adult reactions, (fatigue, depression, somatic complaints)
· May seek relief through substance abuse
VNA Hospice Care, When Children Grieve: How Educators Can Help. http://www.hospicecarema.org/atf/cf/%7B503349D3-99A9-40CD-A8AE-CAAAD384BCAD%7D/Griefbooklet.pdf
All of this information is just another step in the process for us to all understand the different stages or phases that we go through when processing a loss, such as death or alienation. Processing things in a way that is positive for us and produces happy, healthy and successful end results for us, is what is important. How we got there is not as important as it is different for everyone.
So how can we apply all of this to Parental Alienation and understanding why and what is going on? Most alienators are stuck in the stage of grief called anger. They are so filled with hatred, anger and rage at the other parent for not staying in the marriage that they literally are stuck and cannot move forward. Instead of compartmentalizing and realizing that their anger is their issue, they reach across the boundaries and borders of parent child relationships and perpetrate their hurt and grief onto the children and through the children to the other parent . This is NOT a positive move forward for them or the children. But it might also explain the responses that we see in both the children and the ex-spouses.
If we can see the initial problem or trigger for the Alienator, i.e. loss and inability to complete the grieving process, or just not having control anymore, then maybe we can better protect the children and targeted spouse with proper correction/direction for the alienating spouse. In other words, we find a proper method of helping the Alienator to move forward in their lives by recognizing their part and inability to let go and move on. This in turn trickles down to their treatment of the children and the targeted parent, which in turn, then stops Parental Alienation.
Editor's note - Joan T. Kloth-Zanard is a Certified GAL, RSS and ABI and is the Executive Director, Founder and Board Chair of PAS Intervention: A Tax-exempt charitable organization approved under sec. 501(c )(3) of the IRS and the Author of "Where Did I Go Wrong? How Did I Miss the Signs? Dealing with Hostile Parenting and Parental Alienation" . Parental Alienation Support & Interventions (PASI) is located at 320 North George's Hill Road Southbury, CT 06488, 203-770-0318 www.PAS-Intervention.com .