Preparing for the holidays doesn’t only mean purchasing presents, volunteering time or donations or packing for travel. Planning to spend time with relatives of both the heartwarming and the unsavory kind can require an additional type of preparation.
In life we get to pick who our friends are, yet we don’t get the same luxury with respect to our family members and let’s be honest, some relatives can be experienced as pesky, peculiar, perturbing or just plain prickly. Whether it’s for a few days or a few hours, spending time with relatives who we don’t always gel with can be draining or taxing on us. Here are a few tips on how to cope this holiday season when you have little choice but to spend time with the relatives you would probably rather not be with:
- Enter the situation with the mindset that you are coming to a movie or play as if you are the viewer among the actors. See if you can observe and look on at the others in their “roles” and stay loosely engaged. Although many of the “actors” in this show may evoke emotions in you, if you step into the situation initially with this observing stance, you may be less inclined to get swept up in the tensions that could follow.
- If you find yourself feeling poked or prodded and reactive by the relatives, first and foremost breathe! Breathe and count to yourself 1-5 or more. Breathe for however long you need and you can always excuse yourself calmly.
- On how to excuse yourself or avoid an invasive line of questioning: For example, Aunt Millie and Uncle Bob corner you yet again and say something like, “So… you dating anyone? Having a hard time meeting a mate huh? Why do you think that is?” Your response can go like this: Big breath in and out, smile, loosely answer and redirect, “Thank you so much for your concern, I’m doing really well, and wow, did you make this cake, it’s delicious, what is your recipe?” The main point in instances such as this is to not engage on a topic that feels too personal, charged and vulnerable for you. No need to argue, or become defensive, just redirect the conversation to a topic about the person who asked you the invasive question in the first place.
- Don’t expect to change anyone. Chances are some of the roles you may witness are deeply ingrained and not up to you to change or alter especially at a holiday gathering.
- Prepare talking points ahead of time and take some time to role play with yourself or a friend or therapist. Say for instance you experienced a loss of a mate, a loss of a job or something that you know some family members are just so curious to talk with you about or offer their opinion on. In anticipation of this, name at least 2-3 statements to sum it up and convey you are not open to discussing. For instance, “Yes, it’s true I am going through a divorce/loss my job/(fill in the blank). I understand your concern and desire to know more about it, please understand that I’m not feeling ready to discuss that right now, I would like to focus on being here in the moment with family and take in the holiday festivities”.
- See if you can see the relatives with a new set of glasses or as if you were meeting them for the first time. What can be learned or discovered new about them? Here too you can prepare a list of questions to ask, such as what is their favorite color, TV show, or favorite food.
- And lastly, try to find someone who you enjoy spending time with and enjoy talking to and look to spend most of your energy and focus on them, even if it’s the dog!
Veronica Vaiti, LCSW-R and Amir Levine, PhD, LCSW, CASAC are psychotherapists and Co-Founders of NYC Therapy Group which provides individual, couples, family and group therapies in Riverdale, NY and Midtown Manhattan. Visit nyctherapygrp.com to learn more.