Urban Outfitters is bringing its kitschy vibe to downtown (suburban) Westport this spring. The fashion, accessory, and home goods chain—one arm of the company that includes Anthropologie (also with a retail location in Westport), Free People, Terrain, and BHLDN—offers “a lifestyle-specific shopping experience for the educated, urban-minded individual in the 18 to 30 year-old range,” according to their website.
Their stated goal is to help customers “express their individuality.” Which makes sense, cuz* nothing says “individuality” like mass-marketed, mass-produced stuff. But I must admit, one of their accessories caught my eye a couple of months ago: the 80s Cellphone Case for the iPhone.
Let’s think about this for a minute. The 1980s was an endless decade of women's fashion disasters—the big hair, the frosted pink lip gloss, the enormous shoulder pads, and most egregious of all, the high-waisted pant. Actually, the high-waisted pant was around for a long time even before the 1980s. I don't know why it went so horribly wrong in that decade—maybe it was the attempt to combine high-waisted with skinny jean?—but it did.
Around the turn of the 21st Century, society underwent a period of enlightenment, and the high-waisted pant was mercifully retired. What happened, apparently, is that women suddenly looked in the mirror and realized they were wearing the most unflattering garment in the whole history of women's fashion (with the possible exception of the high-waisted, bell bottom jean of the previous decade).
So what does this have to do with your iPhone? Well, even more improbable than the return of the high-waisted pant (and it has, inexplicably, made a comeback: click here and here for the alarming visual evidence) is the return of the ginormous cell phone, perhaps most memorably featured in the television classic (haha), “Saved By the Bell.”
But the 80s cellphone case does have a redeeming quality. Besides providing you with a fun retro moment, you can do the vintage hands-free move of smushing your phone between your face and your shoulder without accidentally hanging up on whomever you're speaking with.
On the downside, reviewers report that it's not actually functional, in that you can't take pictures, charge the phone, or use any of the controls on the top or bottom when the phone is in the case.
I still kind of want it, but not as much as the retro handset, a version of which is available at Learning Express (located at 877 Post Rd. E.).
If, like me, your ringtone is 'Old Phone,' this gadget might resonate with you too. I fell in love with the old-fashioned handset the moment I first laid eyes on it in a magazine. Granted, it was pictured in the hands of Lenny Kravitz, a man who sure does know how to rock a retro look, at the time (scroll to image three at left—am I right, or am I right?). I'm pretty sure you could put a head of iceberg lettuce in his hands, picture him strolling nonchalantly down the street with it, and iceberg lettuce sales would skyrocket as a result.
Baby spinach may have more nutritional value, you'd think (and by you, I of course mean me), but look how appealing that head of lettuce looks in his hands! It’s the height of retro cool!
But besides that, paired with the 'Old Phone' ringtone, you can almost feel like you're in a 1940s film or at my grandmother’s house.
But back to that impending Urban Outfitters opening. They’re currently hiring part and full-time sales personnel for their Westport location.
*I’m aware that the correct spelling of “because” is b-e-c-a-u-s-e. I spelled it “cuz” for comedic effect. Just saying.