Tom Fiffer, editor of Westport's HamletHub, has launched an initiative called "Please Unbreak My Heart" to spark a national conversation on domestic violence---which directly affects nearly 25% of the U.S. population. After writing an article for The Good Men Project, where he serves as Ethics Editor, called "The 7 Deadly Signs of a Dysfunctional Relationship," Fiffer realized that domestic violence doesn't start with fists but begins with disrespect. Please Unbreak My Heart will serve as a forum for conversation and stories that shift the narrative and national effort on domestic violence from victim blaming, ineffective prevention, and after-the-fact support to the development of campaigns and programs that "dismantle and dispense with the culture of entitlement to violence."
Says Fiffer, "Disrespect is always an attempt to diminish power, and diminishing power is about achieving dominance. When dominance enters the picture, there can no longer be a relationship of equals, and all relationships—with men and women—become defined and controlled by a dangerous power dynamic that pits one person against another in the constant struggle to be top dog. What we need," he continues, "is a blueprint for building a culture of respect that makes domestic violence the anomaly instead of the norm."
Motivated by the stream of comments on the "7 Deadly Signs" article, which has been shared on Facebook over 18,000 times and received upwards of 60,000 page views on The Good Men Project, Fiffer put together and published a series of follow-up pieces on emotional withholding, the language of disrespect, and why current efforts to end domestic violence are failing. In the middle of this, he published an article on The Good Men Project written by a dear friend on her fifth anniversary celebrating the unique and loving relationship she has with her husband.
"Reading my friend Ashley Mitchell's description of her marriage and the supportive dynamic that drives it, and comparing her world to the world of domestic violence survivors I know personally and those who live in dysfunctional partnerships literally broke my heart. Everyone wants what Ashley has, but no one seems to know how to get it, and the stereotypes and behaviors reinforced by our culture serve to obstruct productive communication and relationships of equals."
Fiffer's series of articles culminated in "The 7 Real Reasons We Suck at Ending Domestic Violence," in which he calls for new and meaningful measures from government, the media, schools, and individuals to stop domestic violence before it starts. He was shocked by the statistics he uncovered in his research, indicating that nearly 25% of Americans have been victims of domestic violence and 60% know someone who has been affected.
So far, Fiffer has been active in starting a Facebook page for Please Unbreak My Heart to create a space where people who support his initiative can gather and speak out, as well as establishing a Twitter address, @pleaseunbreak. He is continuing to write articles, and a website will follow, as will activities including interviewing people to find out whether they have experienced, witnessed, or heard about domestic violence and what they consider the causes to be.
Fiffer notes that "Brandon Stanton started Humans of New York on Facebook with photographs and short narratives about love and other relevant topics, and he's got over 3.5 million followers, while the National Network to End Domestic Violence has under 30,000. If I can organize a million people who care about this to stand up and take action, I will have made a dent, a big dent in the problem. Please join the conversation and help me get there. You're not really helping me as much as you are your friends, your neighbors, your colleagues, and their children who are suffering silently from the devastating and too often deadly problem of domestic violence."
To contact Fiffer for more information, please email him at tom@pleaseunbreakmyheart.org.